SCHOOL NEWS - When our children feel overwhelmed, they need us to be their safe place, and this is where co-regulation comes in.
Co-regulation is the process of connecting with our child’s emotional state, helping them feel heard and understood, and offering them a sense of safety. It’s what builds their ability to handle life’s challenges, bounce back from adversity, and form strong, loving relationships.
Ever heard the saying, “I have flipped my lid”? Think of the lid as your thinking brain, your rational brain, and safely secured under the ‘lid’ is our emotional brain. When a child is upset, angry, or frustrated, they lose their ability to calm themselves. They have ‘flipped their lids’, so they have a difficult time accessing their thinking brain, because their emotions have completely taken over.
Their emotions are too big for them to manage alone, so they instinctively look to us for comfort and security, and our response in these moments matters.
Imagine your child is having a meltdown – screaming, crying, or lashing out. Your first instinct might be to reason with them or demand they stop, but here’s the reality:
- When a child’s emotions are high, their logic and language are low – their ‘lid’ is flipped.
- In the heat of a meltdown, reasoning will not work. Instead, they need connection.
- Your ‘calm’ can help bring their ‘storm’ to an end.
Co-regulation happens when we stay steady in the face of our child’s distress. When we meet their feelings, and not their behaviour, they feel understood. And when they feel safe, they can begin to calm down.
Sometimes, a hug or gentle touch can soothe a child. Other times, they might need space. Co-regulation does not always mean holding a child, it means being present, patient, and calm.
Getting down to a child’s eye-level also breaks the power struggle. They are little, so they literally must look up at us, which can be intimidating, fueling their emotions.
Even without physical contact, your steady presence will help regulate their nervous system. Their brain and body will mirror yours, and over time, the intense emotion will pass.
By labelling their feelings instead of reacting to their behaviour, we show them that their emotions are okay. This helps them feel heard and understood which is an essential part of learning self-regulation.
Self-regulation isn’t just hard for kids, it’s hard for adults too. We all get frustrated, overwhelmed, or impatient. But if we expect our children to manage their emotions, we must show them how.
Photos: Unsplash
That means:
- Not shouting when we’re stressed,
- Taking deep breaths when we feel overwhelmed.
- Acknowledging our own emotions, and managing them in healthy ways.
- Sharing and modelling with our kids what is triggering us.
A human being’s ability to self-regulate is fully developed around the age of 26.
When we co-regulate with our children, we are steadily developing their ability to self-regulate. When parents practice self-regulation, children learn by example. Over time, they develop the skills to manage their own big emotions, without relying on us as much.
Children do not learn emotional regulation overnight. It takes years of co-regulation before they can fully manage their feelings on their own.
But every time we offer them calm in the middle of their storm, we are helping their brain wire for emotional intelligence, empathy, rational thinking, and problem solving.
In other words, co-regulation today builds the foundation for self-regulation in the future.
When we as parents and caregivers, take responsibility for our own emotions and reactions, we create a space where feelings are acknowledged, managed, and understood – a space where everyone learns to navigate emotions in a healthy way.
So next time your child has a meltdown, take a deep breath and be their calm. The storm will pass, and in its place your child will grow into someone who can handle life’s ups and downs with confidence and resilience.
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