What happens to boys when men behave badly

LIFESTYLE NEWS - Conversations about society’s tolerance of ‘men behaving badly’ are usually centred on the impacts on women and girls.

But boys also experience a range of consequences that significantly affect their well-being. In South Africa, many boys are directly victimized by men’s dominance, aggression and abuse.

However, even when they are not targets, bearing witness to men behaving badly can shatter boys’ trust in those they are supposed to look up to, and taint their lifelong views of masculinity, and of society.

Jaco van Schalkwyk, Founder of The Character Company (TCC), a non-profit organisation working with boys with absent fathers, says, “Unfortunately, South Africa is a country where ‘men behaving badly’ is prevalent. We only need to look at the high rates of gender-based violence to know this. But there are also many instances when men in leadership or with high profiles let everyone down by not only behaving badly but by also failing to be accountable for it. In the court of public opinion, there are always loud voices making excuses for them based on their gender.

“What does this mean for South African boys? What happens to your view of society and your place in it, when a leader or an esteemed man takes no accountability for a serious lapse in his personal or professional ethics? What do our boys learn from this?”

By pairing ‘fatherless’ boys with vetted adult mentors, TCC provides them with positive male role models to help them develop healthy masculine identities.

They are brought into a supportive community of men and boys rooted in TCC’s five values – courage, kindness, self-discipline, honesty, and respect, where they have safe spaces to be accountable to one another, and to cultivate other social and emotional intelligences.

“Sometimes, it feels as though that we have gathered these boys in a lifeboat sailing an ocean of men behaving badly,” Jaco says.

“And when we see the ‘men behaving badly’ trope playing out, I feel frustrated on behalf of all the men who are trying so hard to give South African boys better examples of what it is to be a man. It’s not that we must be perfect. We can’t be. Of course, good men make mistakes and can behave badly. But what’s so important is for boys to see men being accountable for their behaviour – acknowledging missteps and growing so that they don’t repeat the offending behaviour.”

Adult men, whether they are fathers, grandfathers or uncles; judges, teachers, coaches or community members, are all role models that boys look to, to form their identities and work out how to behave as a man.

If what they see around them is mostly men behaving badly, then boys have less chance of growing up as good men.

Men can be role models for the next generation.

7 ways men behaving badly hurts boys

1. Boys learn harmful models of masculinity - When boys witness men exploiting power, being unaccountable for their behaviour and even being celebrated for it, they receive the message that domination and control, entitlement, male silence and emotional detachment are the markers of masculinity they should emulate.

2. It deprives them of healthy male role models – If instead of seeing men who lead with respect, kindness, and strength of character, they see men who disadvantage and hurt others, it severely narrows their idea of what it means to be a man.

3. It damages their relationships - Boys who grow up in psychologically unsafe environments shaped by male aggression and disrespect often struggle with trust, intimacy, and expressing emotions. They may fear becoming like the men they see, or they may repeat the cycle themselves.

4. It fuels bullying and peer pressure - In schools and peer groups, ‘men behaving badly’ filters down as unkind or cruel banter, bullying, or hyper-competitive aggression among boys. It sets up hierarchies where sensitivity, gentleness, and difference are punished.

5. It causes direct trauma - If a boy is on the receiving end of abuse or violence from men, he will carry the scars into adulthood. Too often, this trauma is buried because boys are taught not to talk about it. Repressed trauma leads to poor mental health outcomes and contributes to the high rates of male suicide.

6. It makes it harder for boys to imagine alternatives - When ‘men behaving badly’ is embedded in the cultural script, boys don’t see enough examples of men living differently. They have limited opportunities to engage with men who are nurturing fathers, empathetic leaders, or loyal friends who listen without judgment.

7. It leaves boys distrustful, disappointed and disillusioned - Not every boy will grow up to copy what he has experienced. Some will reject their role models - but in doing so, they carry bitter disappointment at the men who were meant to guide them well and disillusionment about manhood itself. They may feel let down, betrayed and resentful, and even rootless in a world where society rewards or excuses the very behaviours they despise.

Jaco concludes, “What we must remember is that men behaving badly don’t only harm women and girls, boys are deeply affected too, and in ways that shape the next generation of men. South Africa does not need any more of the same-old excuses for men behaving badly. Instead, we need to support and encourage those who are committed to showing our boys that there are better ways to be men.”

Photos: Supplied