I habitually write to Santa this time of the year requesting special gifts - not to fill my badly laddered stocking - but to do something for the community at large. But the old boy is losing it and tends to forget salient points. Like last year I asked him to hijack parliamentarians and put them down on some far-off planet. They're still around befouling the nation with corruption and incompetency. As you know, Santa is not obliged to answer letters or give any explanation as to why he doesn't deliver. I was thoroughly disappointed to see the same bunch either sleeping in the benches or sprouting garbage.
Spotting my foul mood my Heidi suggested I write to you instead. First of all, she says, you're a woman, secondly, you wield magic that works, and thirdly, you multi-task.
So here goes. By now you've caught on I have an obsession with bad politicians. Are there any good ones, you might ask. That's a moot point. Very few, I reckon. Some truly believe the good ones are dead. Anyway, back to business.
How about waving your magic wand over the crooks in the cabinet during the next session? Then telepathically transport them to Nkandla to join up with Jacob and his family over the festive season. This would allow them to enjoy a little respite before the Hawks move in on them in the new year. Hopefully there's water in the fire pool (alongside which they can bask in the sun over cocktails and tonka braais), enough cattle in the spacious kraal to provide meat for Christmas lunch and braais, and the amphitheatre prepared for the dancing virgins (undoubtedly under the jealous eyes of Jacob's wives - he'd better check his food). Oh, before I forget, seal Jacob's bunker in case he does a bunk.
While you're still hovering, render the EFF members mute. This allows for proper debate without inane utterings. How about tapping Juju on the head, freezing what's left of his brain? Perhaps when the magic wears off, he would've grown up some. And be reminded it's his turn to pay back the money filched from VBS (the bank established to help the poor - yes, the same poor he lies to, telling them it's the whites stealing from them). Maybe you'd want to inflict some harsher punishment with your magic wand.
I realise your power is not everlasting, and we can expect the same lot in parliament next year - but at least we would've been free over Christmas of maddening individuals totally unfit to govern.
A last request. Be around at the ballot boxes during the municipal elections (start in the Karoo and Garden Route, please), making sure the right party gets the nod. This country is crying out for change. We will forever be in your debt.